It's a Ferret Life

Animals are great. Everyone needs a pet, be it a cat, dog or ferret. My roommate and I actually went ferret window shopping the other day. Did you know that only one place in this city sells ferrets? It's Pets Plus on College. The place sells all sorts of exotic pets, and it kind of smells like a llama. We drove around all of Fayetteville looking for the weasels, the politically incorrect name for ferrets, and not even Petco sells them.

And the most unfortunate thing is that the only place known for keeping ferrets in stock was, naturally, out of ferrets. But, it was OK for three reasons.

First, the ferrets were quite a bit more expensive than we thought they would be. Not many college students can just cough up $110 for a rodent. But we can save up, right?

Second, ferrets are non-separable. At the end of the school year, before summer, my roommate and I would have had quite a problem deciding how to split ownership of the ferret. Both of us would have wanted the head and front feet. It's no fun taking just the butt end of a ferret home.

Third, after careful study of University Housing's regulations on pets, we came across the clause that the only pets allowed in dorm rooms are "harmless fish." Aside from the obvious disappointment, that just raises my curiosity about the definition of a "harmful fish."

Who wants a "harmless fish" as a pet? I mean, if you've got to have a fish, wouldn't you want one with just a little attitude? One that might challenge your sense of security? Otherwise, there's no thrill in owning a fish. You might as well have an aquatic pet rock. You can't play with a fish, you can't communicate with a fish, and you most certainly can't over feed a fish, because they lack any type of willpower and will die of gluttony. I learned that at a young age.

I had two goldfish when I was little, and the only form of entertainment I got from the creatures was feeding them and watching them eat. Needless to say, after a mere two weeks, Goldie and then Goldie 2 floated to the top of their tank. After learning this lesson that fish make lousy pets, my parents got me a cat, which by the way, we eventually had to get rid of because of his chronic puking problem. Talk about attitude. But that's beside the point.

Recently, a friend approached me almost in tears. I asked her what was wrong. "My fish died this morning," she whimpered.

Being the sensitive person that I am, I tenderly patted her on the shoulder and said, "I'm sure you were very close, but how long did you have the fish before you had to flush it?"

"Three years," she responded. I was astonished. How in the world could a fish live that long? As far as I'm concerned, pet fish are only supposed to live a couple of weeks. The only reasons fish in the wild live longer are because they have to get big enough for us to eat them, and because they probably aren't so "harmless" and naïve as the fish we're allowed to keep in the dorm. So I asked the girl if she was going to get a replacement fish.

"I can't," she cried. "I'm not ready yet. I have to mourn for this fish and learn to deal with my loss before I can even think about getting another one."

You have to admire her, or anyone else that can fight the urge to overfeed a fish. They also deserve credit for making a commitment to the type of pet that rarely lasts the gestation period of a mosquito. I wanted to suggest another kind of pet, like a ferret, but it probably explains more about my short comings than hers. You can't over -feed a ferret, and they might last longer than your dorm contract.

Elizabeth St. John is a contributing columnist.